Testimony: Patience was all I needed

by L
(California)

I'm 22 years old and although I'm still a newbie when it comes to scripture and what not, I've always had Christ in my life-just not enough of Him. My parents were divorced by the time I was in 2nd grade. I didn't think it bothered me until I realized how it shaped my life thus far. After the divorce I hated my dad for leaving us. I hated my mom for dating so soon after. I absolutely hated my life, even though I was just 10 years old.

I've always just wanted to have peace around me so I always strived to be the best at everything. I needed reassurance that I was loved, and even though I worked SO hard as a child, I never got my gratification. When I was 14 I was expelled from my high school. I prayed to God that I would get expelled because then I knew I'd get attention from my family since I was the "smartest child" of my family. Everyone always loved my little sister because she was skinny and pretty, and my older brother was a delight and was helpful to the family. I hated going to school because I was always compared, since I attended the same school as my little sister, which is why I asked the Lord to please get me outta there.

When I started my new school I felt independent, I felt special because nobody at that school knew my sister or brother so they had no one to compare me to. I suddenly found myself disobeying my mom and messing around with guys, and alcohol and drugs. I fell HARD for my first boyfriend, so hard I'd miss summer vacations with my dad's family so that I can stick around my city with my new life. Before I knew it, I started making myself not eat or throwing up so that I could be skinny just like everyone liked. I struggle with it to this day nearly 9 years later, but because I've let Christ into my heart, I feel strong enough to battle my problem because I'm not alone.

When I was 16 my mom made me move out so that her new husband and stepson could buy a house and live together. I was very bitter towards my mom but never admitted it to anyone. I disrespected her like no other and I'm very ashamed of it. To get back at her for making me move out, I decided to move out of the state. After moving I started to drink heavily, but excused it by saying "it's what everyone my age is doing." My life started to be only about who I could get to like me, and how much I can drink and hurt myself.

After about 3 years of being bulimic, I started to cut myself, I can't even tell you why, it just felt good. Self destruction only gets worse, and so one night I decided I had had enough of being alive, nobody liked me as much as my siblings, and if they did like me it was only because I was drunk and giving myself up to all the wrong people. I decided I'd chug a bottle and a half of cough syrup after a day of drinking. I fell asleep and by the grace of God my best friend got me to the hospital in time. The doctors treated me so rudely, perhaps because they have no time to deal with stupid, naive young girls trying to get attention. I just wanted to go home and try successfully to end it all.

While in the hospital a "worker of God", Alice came and asked my friend if I was okay. Since I had no family out there she didn't know who she was and asked the doctors to see me. She told me how Alice was in the waiting room and had told her that God sent her there that night to check on me.

Naturally I thought she was crazy and asked my friend to get her to leave. After being discharged from the hospital later that day, Alice and her husband stopped me and asked if they could pray for me. I bowed my head with her but just to be respectful, I had no feelings as if God was around or anything, but that was because of my own selfishness, and not wanting to let go of my old ways. Alice told me how God had sent her to me to let me know He forgave me, and that I needed to let go of the anger I had towards my family. So much personal things that NOBODY knew about but me were said, before I left that night I bowed my head and said a prayer and asked for forgiveness.

It's been more than four years, and I've slipped up many times, but until these past 2 months, I've felt Christ with me. I'm learning that nobody can be perfect but the Lord, and I've learned the greatest lesson of all; God has a purpose for me. I just have to be patient and let Him work through me. Knowing that God made me, with all my flaws the way they are for His reasons, helps me get through the days and helps my love for Christ grow everyday!

Thank You and God Bless, I hope my story could help someone.