Moving from unwanted to adoption into a Royal Family

by Jillian
(OHIO)

From the time I was a very little girl I knew I was unwanted. Even before the word "abandoned" was something I ever heard, or could look up in a dictionary, I knew it's meaning from the inside out.

Unlike many little girl's who have memories of dollhouses, tea parties with their teddy bears, and bedtime stories from mommy and daddy...my memories are much different...and much deeper.

I was never that good at the game "Hide and Seek", but I was very good at hiding. I learned early hiding equaled escaping pain. Pain of rejection, pain of being told "your mother didn't want you", pain of a physical touch for someone else's sexual pleasure..all sorts of pain could be handled by hiding. Smiling on the outside, but crying on the inside was pretty much my life story from the age of 5-25.

I never had a birthday party, I still hate them...after all who would celebrate a child they never wanted...

I left home for college as soon as possible to escape the hurt...but unfortunately, it wasn't the escape I dreamed of...instead it was an open door to more pain.

I was first raped the day I turned 13. The man who raped me kept telling me he was doing me a favor and someday I would thank him...that day has never arrived. He was the son-inlaw of 1 of the top Elder's in our church, so I knew immed. I had to hide the horrible truth of what happened to me...when my aunt and uncle saw my torn and bloody clothes and the cuts and bruises I received while trying to run away I immed. lied and kept the lie going for 20 plus years.

But off to college I went- thinking all that would be left behind and life would surely be better now....I wouldn't have to hide any more.

That lasted about 90 days. Immed. in college I began to spend lots of time doing the 1 thing I loved most...playing basketball. Every moment I wasn't in class or doing homework I spent at the gym. Playing basketball was something I was finally good at...really good, and other people told me that all the time. I LOVED making the 3 point shots and hearing the roars of approval. Lots of people kept urging me to go out as a team walk-on and said there was "no way" I could not make the team and win a scholarship, but my mind kept repeating the past.."nobody wants you."

A small part of me dared to dream that maybe, just maybe, something could happen that I might try out for the team so I committed myself to practicing more and not just showing off because I knew I could make the shot.

That dream became a nightmare. One night I accepted a ride back to the dorm from a person I thought I knew. He was in a class of mine, I had helped him with his homework a few times, so I thought it would be no big deal to accept a ride back to the dorm-it was less than 10 min. away.

I found out just how much your life can change forever by one choice and how quickly 10 min. can become 5-6 hours.

Crouched down in the car were 2 other guys, 1 who hated me, and sought revenge because I told my room-mate who also happened to be my best friend not to date him, he was bad news.

As he held a knife to my throat, he laughed and mocked me while his friends raped me, beat me until I was unconscious, and at some point threw me out of the car into a field and left me there to die.

The freezing cold ground must have woke me up...because I heard myself praying 'Please God don't let me die" "Don't let them have to call my aunt who raised me and tell her they found me this way." Shaking with cold, fear, and pain I remember trying to pray that prayer over and over, clutching the frozen ground trying to find strength to move. I could not stand up, but clawed my way on the ground for hours trying to find my way back to my dorm. I had been to a lake up by the field they dropped me off in one time before so was able to know where I was at enough to know my dorm was a mile or two away. How grateful I am they dumped me in that field and not the lake!

Many hours later I finally crawled my way back to safety and stumbled into my room and locked the door. For 2 days I lay there moaning and crying begging God for strength. On the third day I remember telling myself I had to force myself to a doctor. There was no way I could keep laying there like that and live. If I didn't want my mom to know the hurt of this I had to go get myself help. So I did.

The next week of my life was hell. I had never heard of std's, shots for protection, and all that, but I certainly lived through it that week against my will. I begged and pleaded to go back to my room, but they would not release me.

FINALLY, I was well enough to be released, but only on condition I accepted a follow-up appointment to come back and receive counseling. In the counseling they asked me to give names of who did that to me and arranged for me to speak with the Pres. of the Univ. to share my exp. so they would pursue it and hold those accountable who did it.

Reluctantly, I did all they asked. However, when the name was given, nothing was ever done except academic probation. Why? Because he was the top athelete in track and field and the school was expecting him to help put their name in the limelight.

The rest of that semester was spent in hurt, shame, and hiding. I didn't have the strength to get out of bed to go to class...I just wanted to die. The semester dragged on, but finally Christmas break arrived, and I went home.

I went back hoping I could pull myself together, but I never did. My aunt became sick around March and I ended up dropping out of school to take care of her. Before I left I had met someone I liked and we stayed in touch while I was home throughout that summer.

I ended up marrying him when he asked because I thought at last someone wants me. I'll get married, have kids, and have a happy family after all.

Well happy familes don't just happen, and it certainly didn't happen for me.

3 kids later and the death of a spouse is what it fully took for me to realize how much I needed God.

There was an older lady who lived 2 buildings down from my apt. who babysat for me sometimes while I ran errands who invited me to church every time I saw her. I kept saying "I'm going to go sometime"..but sometime never seemed to come...One day she said "hey we have a revival tonight why don't you come? Without even thinking about it I said "OK"

She was going to pick me up at 7, I was dressed and waiting by 6. After the preacher spoke I was crying..he came up to me and asked if I was saved, I said, I don't know I used to go to church a lot..he said but you can KNOW, you don't have to guess...it's about a personal relationship with Jesus who loves you and wants a relationship with you more than you can imagine. That was all I needed to hear.

3 steps towards the altar and the weight of 20 some years was lifted off my shoulders.

The hiding was over. God accepted me just as I was, adopted me into His royal family forever, and is with me everyday helping me learn. One thing I am still learning is how valuable I am to Him. I am constantly amazed at His love for me...and know He has that very same love for you.

Accept His love and open the door of your heart. He truly is AMAZING.